My list of what I like...

A really good book
Music
Freshly fallen snow on the trees
The smell of a fireplace
Sitting in front of the fireplace, feeling the warmth, surrounded by my loved ones
Being held in someone's arms
Being told that I'm loved
Telling my loved ones that they are loved
Holding my Taby in my arms even when it was the last time
Sunsets
Dill's cedar planked BBQed salmon and dill (actually basically anything she cooks...)
Mom's soups and millo
Getting on a plane to go somewhere else in this world to see something new
The feel of the ocean (saltwater)
Swaying palm trees
Pretending I'm an alligator in a swimming pool in Cuba
Sending Uncle Manny Franca for some more drinks in Cuba
Kissing my nieces faces
Laughter
A clean apartment, when everything is in it's place and the dust and furballs have been banished...albeit temporarily
Pictures taken of good times
Memories of good times
Making new memories of good times

I'm often asked, How do you manage it?

Of late, I've been asked, “How do you do it? How are you able to manage?” Manage what…do what...you may ask? How does one go on, daily, doing anything else other than thinking about losing the person you love most in the world. How do I do it? How does anyone do it? You just do! I’ve in turn asked others going through similar situations how they feel able to cope. Basically you put one foot in front of the other and eventually you walk. Everything is broken down to the small things. You go to work, and then you come home. You go to the hospital, and then you come home. In between you just do it. Not that you are feeling like a robot. I feel and I sure cry a lot lately…but I’m told by a reliable source (actually a few professionals and nonprofessionals that I’m actually normal)…go figure. So when my mother asks me to take her to the bathroom, I just do it. She needs me (or my sister or one of our aunts, or the nurse) to help her with a basic need, something she was able to do for herself only three weeks ago. She needs us to help her life the spoon to her mouth and sometimes to encourage her to swallow… There was a time when she took me to the bathroom, fed me, cuddled me, and loved me. Now it’s my turn. I wish I could be unselfish and say that I would gladly trade places with her, so that she could live, but frankly I’m not that brave. I just hope I’m brave enough to be there right to the end for her. To cuddle her and to love her as long as she needs me.

Is it hot enough for you?? Part II

This morning I arrived at work feeling sick to my stomach. Why you ask? The heat, the humidity and the air that I had to breathe to get to work. My car AC is still not working (a work in progress) and coupled with being stuck occasionally by foul smelling and badly maintained vehicles (mostly vans...why is that??) I wanted to throw up when I arrived in the office. My head was pounding despite having swallowed several extra strenth tylenols and my stomach churned...it took a couple of hours of AC and cleaner smelling air to finally feel better.

So we are asked to conserve energy and spare the air. So don't turn on your AC, because offices need to leave numerous unused office lights on. Yesterday as I walked one corridor of the hospital where my mother is now a patient, I couldn't help but notice the misuse of energy. Doors left wide open to the outside air (air conditioning blowing out or hot air blowing in), lights in meeting rooms that were not being used, lights on in the 'bowling alley"..yes they have an old bowling alley in this hospital (nursing home...for the residents...although I don't think its used that often..obviously)...tvs and lights in patients rooms (I turned mom's off when she fell asleep). They (who are they...they are the politicians that ride around in their airconditioned limos and work in air conditioning and sleep in airconditioning....) want us..me and you to take the TTC. Spare the air people. Ride an unairconditioned bus/streetcar with people who are antipersperantly challenged...yes it's better for them that I breathe in someone's BO than contribute to the smog by driving my car. Well you know what I say to that????

WHATEVER!!!

To adopt or to not adopt...too many questions for me...

Wednesday evening I went to the Toronto Humane Society to see a cat that had been advertised as needing a home. Since Taby's death, Shamu has become, I believe, somewhat lonely and depressed. She just mopes about the apartment. Well she moped before too, but it seems she is moping more. Of course she is 18 years old...18 year old cats mope, sleep, poop, etc...and meow constantly (and extremely irritatingly) for food. So I went to meet Tinker, a 18 year old male cat that had been taken to the THS when his owner had to move into a senior's home. I thought, 18 year old cat with another 18 year old cat might work. Tinker is a strawberry blonde (orange) tabby and in the picture he looked cute. So I thought, I'll go check him out.

Well Tinker turned out to be an 18 year old orange tabby with a very infected eye and arthritic legs. He barely acknowledged me (except to give me a glare out of his good eye effectively telling me to take a hike!). He did not seem to be affectionate or friendly...however he did not growl or hiss at me either...he just ignored me. I felt no chemistry. I was disappointed. On top of that, I was informed by a staff member that I needed to be able to quarantine him from Shamu for at least 14 days. Where? I have a small monette apartment (that means I don't have a 'dining room'). Where the heck do I quarantine a cat with a leaking eye and arthritic legs? My bedroom? I think not!!!

So I've decided to let Shamu live out her remaining years and after that I will reexamine the situation (unless I see a cute kitten and bring it home anyways)...there was this adorable young cat (not kitten) who looked soooooooo much like Taby, but was very friendly and affectionate....

Whatever!